Happy BIRTHday

It's hard to think about Banneker's actual birth day. All the events leading up to him getting here, and dealing with kaiser are disappointing to say the least. The short of it is that I thought by going to the "KP Birth Center" in Walnut Creek we would have a good chance of having a staff that trusted birth and supported a natural birth. In the end the KP Birth Center was just a hospital, and we ended up with a hospital birth, in other words a C-section. You hear the staff and other mom's who have had an unexpected c-section say that in the end it doesn't matter, as long as they arrive healthy. It does matter, it matters that the one thing women are predisposed to do is marginalized and the work we are set up to do to get babies here is seen as something we really can't and shouldn't do and so we are not supported. And as with all institutions- financial, political, educational, medical-fear establishes what is normal. Really think about all the decisions we make on a daily basis that are motivated by fear. We have even forgotten how to trust our intuition, and if someone warns us of an impending danger, real or manufactured, we are afraid and our once sensitive nervous system no longer accurately tells us to fight or flight. So it does matter, it matters that we fight and not be afraid. I don't want to raise my son in fear and worry, and I won't so if I am "that mom" forever, forgive me Banneker, I am sorry if you are embarrassed, but you will be strong and healthy and free, and you deserve that. So happy BIRTH day Banneker after being here just ONE MONTH, you are the most beautiful reminder of love, compassion and freedom, thank you for choosing us to be your mom and dad.
And... Happy 4th Birthday to my little friends Evan and August who entered the world with just a moments notice 4 years ago and taught me and their mom and dad (Laura and Rob) all about trust and love and compassion and freedom. I know little bits of day to day freedom are widdled away with every new being, but Evan and August taught all of us that freedom is also one moment by one short moment. I cherish each short moment of freedom I spent with them starting August 23, 2005, those moments allowed me the courage to have Banneker.

LOVE

I remember my friend Andrea said that there was more love in the world after the birth of her daughter. It's true every little being that finds his or her way here adds more love, because they make every living thing around them see more love, feel more love, express more love. I think it goes back to that purity that comes with being brand new in the world. We hope you find more love in your day today and if not we are ready for your visit so you can see for yourself. Thanks for all the love Auntie Tinah, we will miss having you nearby. And thanks Andrea (other Andrea) for being so inspired, check it out: www.chooselovemore.com

3 weeks old

Already... and it seems like it's been 3 months.

Life- when it gets in the way-breathe

Life: the thing we DO everyday. What's that saying? "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans" We come to have this idea that life is what’s happening to us and in a sense it is happening to us with each inhale and exhale. Not exactly the same kind of life we plan for though, you know all the things you want to do and be and have and accomplish. It’s my awesome yogi students who are reminding me to breath to experience the here and now with each breath and I do and I have to remind myself of it now more than ever- each breath is for me so that I can be there for my son and husband too.
The other kind of life is experienced through each new breath. The miraculous thing that we don’t have to plug in, that is both voluntary and involuntary- the thing that connects us to the infinite supply of the universe. I think of Banneker taking his first breath. I couldn’t see him, I wasn’t there to help him or experience it with him, but I heard him breath life here on this planet. The first breath, so clean and pure and new. Now when I watch him breath in his sleep it speeds up and slows down and he pants like a little puppy and there are all these little interruptions in the clean and pure and new that was and I feel a little sad and it reminds me how quick life moves, get’s in the way of our plans, and in the way of our breath.
Life is on a spectrum from birth to passing and the spectrum eventually becomes circular and closes. My dear mentor and friend Hilary is at the other end of life’s breath with her mother right now. Cheers to the first and the last breath and all the breaths in between and here’s hoping life doesn’t get in the way. And to Mrs Bullock and her life, especially her last breath it will be as clean and pure and new as the first one.

We Are Family

Weekends are always different than the week even though neither Jeff or I have a "normal" schedule. We have a family schedule now and both of us are tripping out about it. I wonder when you change from whose baby is that? To whatever is next.

My good friend Erika is here this weekend celebrating his one week birthday with us, cooking and cleaning and holding a baby on demand. We know each other well so it's very easy for me to have her here, and I am sure she's glad it's only the weekend. I wish she lived down the street. Thanks for everything Erika! Which reminds me Banneker turned one week old yesterday. Jeff was supposed to post but looks like he forgot, I 'll have him try again.

So they say it's best having family nearby after the birth of a child. Okay I get it. We are officially overwhelmed. I know time marches on in all circumstances and things change so I try not to get caught up in the moments I realize... I can't and have no desire to return a phone call, I am once again behind the 8 ball due to the antics of kaiser with breast feeding, when I can't bend to get something I dropped, when I feel absolutely no core strength, when I miss running around doing nothing with Jeff on the weekend, when my yoga practice consists of sitting up straight or using the door frame for a simple side stretch, when I have nothing to do but sit in the back yard and knit.
Time marches on and we are a family now.

good night

One week ago we were still uping the Pitocin drip at about this time and hopeful we would be more actively in labor soon. Our hospital room was well worn and our favorite nurse Katharyn was getting ready to leave our shift. She was the angel that got us through our kaiser experience I think of her everyday. When she came to introduce herself she said "I really trust this process." Which was exactly what I was hoping to hear from anyone at kaiser. I thought of writing on my belly before we got there "trust birth" and "today is my birthday" as she left she told us she was excited to see our son and us on her next shift, she said we were a beautiful team and our baby was lucky to have us. So good night Ms Katharyn we are thinking of you.